Hidden Pain
by endarkenedheart
Summary: Following his breakup with Magnus, Alexander Lightwood finds himself losing control of his life. He always thought he'd be alright after getting his heart broken but never thought it'd end like this.


**Hidden Pain**

 _Trigger warning: This contains self harm and attempted suicide. This story is in a way set after CoLS. I do not own the characters in any way, shape, or form. They belong fully to Cassandra Clare, I just place theme in different (sometimes sad) situations. This starts off differently but ended up being very sappy. Hope that you enjoy and remember, I am a master of angst._

The blue-eyed boy found himself, yet again, facing his reflection in the mirror. Lately, he's been feeling like he's putting up somewhat of a front. The past months had taken not only a toll on him but many others. He still felt an ache in his chest when he thought of little Max, who never got to live past nine years old. It had pained him to see his parent's relationship fall apart after so many years. Alec felt useless when Isabelle spent weeks locked up in her room, only allowing Simon in to comfort her. Now, he didn't feel anything but numb; a terrible numbness that spread throughout his whole body and rendered him emotionally paralyzed.

After Magnus broke up with him and he gathered up his belongings from the Brooklyn apartment, he decided to close himself up. His siblings knew about their break-up but he pretended as if he was only slightly hurt. They offered their condolences and told him that he was always such a fighter. Yes, that was him. A fighter, a warrior, a survivor. For the first few weeks following the break-up, Alec almost believed himself and the fact that he was alright. Slowly but surely, he began to realize what he was really feeling. He was broken and there was no way to put himself back together.

After Jace broke his phone, he decided to go see Magnus in person. He wasn't sure why he was so nervous, he had lived here at some point. The possibility of seeing Magnus face to face was almost too much to bear. Without giving it a second thought, he rang Magnus' doorbell. To his surprise, he didn't answer the door in his usual smug way but just opened it up a crack. The warlock didn't look any different than he had when he last saw him in the subway tunnel. Expect maybe this time, his hair was down and devoid of any glitter. His cat eyes were outlined by only a small amount of eyeshadow. He wore no jewels or crazy outfits, just a plain black t-shirt and pyjama pants.

"What are you doing here? I told you I didn't want to see you again, Alec." the coldness in his voice was enough to drive a chill up Alec's spine.

"I-I know. I just needed to see you again. I've missed you. I'm sorry, Magnus." his voice, to his dismay, came out hoarse and child-like.

"Well then maybe you shouldn't have betrayed me like that. I loved you, Alec. I still do but….I can't forgive something like this." those golden eyes Alec loved so much shone with sadness and possibly anger.

"You love me? If you love me then you wouldn't have left me. You don't do that to people you love!"

"I don't need this. I told you I never wanted to see you and...I meant it. Goodbye, Alexander." the shadowhunter was pushed back as Magnus shut the front door right in his face.

When he came back from Magnus' apartment, he knew exactly what he had to do. He stumbled through the halls of the Institute until he threw himself into his room. The door was shut behind him by his shaking hands. He walked over to his bed and collapsed on the pile of fresh laundry Isabelle must have dropped on there. His vision was becoming blurry as tears stung his eyes and stained his cheeks. The teardrops began to dampen up the clothes that he was crushing with his weight. After taking a few small breaths, he was able to sit himself up. He made his way to his small bathroom, opening up a cabinet. There in an unopened box were a few razors, their sharp blades mocking Alec as he ripped open the package. He picked one of the razors up and held it to a patch of pale skin on his wrist. He'd used these many times but never for the purpose of shedding blood. Maybe it was time to rethink that.

A single drop of scarlet blood stained the pristine tile floor of the bathroom. His breath hitched in the back of his throat as he repeated the process. Before he knew it, his wrist was covered in medium sized nicks, dripping blood onto the floor and his clothing. He felt like a madman, watching the red liquid trickle down his wrists and onto his arms. There were no more tears coming out of his eyes for he was too tired to even cry anymore. He was brought out of his daze by a pounding at his bedroom door. He heard the soft voice and instantly recognized it as his sister Isabelle's. It was almost dinner time, she was probably calling him down so he could eat something. Alec opened his mouth to speak but nothing would come out at first. The knocking on the door continued until Isabelle finally got impatient and opened up the door.

"I'm coming in! Alec, where are you? What did you do to your clothes? Alec." she was coming to the bathroom, he could clearly hear her footsteps coming closer and closer.

"Go away, Izzy! Nothing, okay? Please just go, okay? I'm okay." Alec's black hair was sticking to his forehead from how much he was sweating at this moment.

Isabelle Lightwood was scared when she heard Alec's voice coming from the bathroom. She knew him better than to accept that he wasn't hurt by his break-up with Magnus. She knew that her brother might do something to try to ease his pain but never could she imagine this. Izzy slowly opened the door to find her older brother sprawled out on the bathroom floor, blood pooling under him. For a moment she was frozen and all she could do was stare. His eyes were open but he wasn't saying anything and the pool of blood seemed to grow larger by the second. When she finally managed to say something, her voice only emitted a scream so loud that it could be heard all over the Institute. She rushed over to her brother's fallen body and turned him over, trying to vouch for a heartbeat.

"Alec, what did you do? Say something, please." she urged, tears escaping her eyes, but he only responded by letting his eyelids close.

"No, no, no! Alec, please stay with me. Jace!" she pulled out her stele even though there was only so much it could do.

Soon enough, she wasn't the only one in Alec's bathroom. Isabelle heard the loud footfalls of Jace's feet and turned to look at her brother. His mouth was hanging slightly open and his eyes were already brimming with tears. He knelt down beside her and pushed back the hair that had begun to cover Alec's eyes. Jace suggested that they move him over to the bed and he picked him up in his arms before Izzy could get a grip on him. The two were trying to heal the wounds with all the iratzes they could place on Alec.

"Why isn't this working? He's still not waking up. Wait a minute.." he quickly lifted up Alec's shirt to reveal stab wounds around his stomach.

"Jace, this is bad. What if a healing rune doesn't work? He's going to bleed out. We need-" she was cut off by Jace taking the stele out of her hand.

Alec's arms and stomach were covered in iratzes, the boy's head resting on his sister's lap. She was absentmindedly running her fingers through his hair, trying to calm her own nerves more than anything else. Jace was able to help since the iratzes slowly but surely began closing up Alec's wounds. The wounds around his stomach were a bit harder to heal but they were getting there. Jace was sitting beside Izzy, looking down as he shifted his stele from his right to his left.

"I can't believe this. I just can't imagine Alec doing this...trying to kill himself." Jace finally spoke up after being completely silent for the past fifteen minutes.

"He's been hurting, I know he has. He loves Magnus and this tore him apart. He acted like he was okay because we kept telling him that's what he expected from him."

Suddenly, Isabelle felt her brother moving. She looked down and watched as his eyes opened, taking in the scene around him. Without a warning, he began to cry as he looked from Izzy over to Jace.

"Why am I alive? What did you do?" he attempted to get up but the pain in his stomach was too excruciating.

"Alec, you were bleeding out. We found you on the bathroom floor. I just-" she trailed off when Alec interrupted her, his blue eyes ablaze.

"Don't you understand? I want to die. I just wanted to fucking die! Dammit, Izzy." his voice didn't falter and that terrified the two siblings.

"Don't say that, Alec. Please don't say that. I love you and I want you alive." Isabelle rarely cried openly but right now, she was almost sobbing.

"Alec, I know it hurts but you can't do this. You can't leave us just because Magnus broke your heart." Jace looked right into Alec's eyes and the storm raging in them was terrifying.

"Shut up! I'm tired of this. I'm not hurt. I'm not heartbroken. I'm fucking destroyed and I have been for a long time. I'm supposed to be the perfect older brother and be there for everyone. Who's going to be there for me? Huh!" he managed to sit up, despite the burning he felt all over his body.

"I just want to be dead. I don't want to be this, to keep being me. I'm tired of screwing up everything in my life! I'll kill myself next time. Jump off the roof or hang myself in here, I don't know. I want to stop."

At this point, both Izzy and Jace were too frightened to say anything. This was not the Alec they knew. Alec got up and before anyone caught him, ran out of his room. Jace had no idea where his parabatai was going but he had to run after him and make sure he wouldn't try to hurt himself again. As he ran out of the infirmary and into the halls, he could vaguely make out Isabelle talking with Magnus over the phone.

"Oh my god, Jace! Go and follow Alec. Go! I'll be behind you, I'm calling Magnus"

Alec swiftly made his way to the roof of the New York Institute. There was a chill wind nipping at his mutilated skin. He didn't have much time. Jace and Isabelle would be up here soon. He made his way to the edge and sat down, allowing his legs to dangle. The building was at least ten feet tall, the fall would definitely kill him. Jace and Izzy's voices became louder and they neared him. He could hear Izzy gasp and the sharp steps that Jace was taking. He whipped around and looked at his siblings.

"Stop. Stop right now or I'll jump. I told you I would. Jace. Don't get any closer!" he yelled, his hands gripping onto the roof as if it was all he saw.

"Alec, please. I can't lose you. You're not just my parabatai. You're my best friend, my brother. I won't come closer. Please, just move away from the edge." his voice broke for a bit and his golden eyes stared into his.

"I'm sorry, Jace. I'm sorry, Izzy. This isn't your fault. This is all mine. I can't keep on living. I just can't." he scooted closer to the edge and closed his eyes.

It felt like flying. For a few seconds, Alec felt detached from his body and it was almost alleviating. Then, the pain hit him. He felt it everywhere. His whole body was just one big bruise. There was also a strange warmness on his cheek. No, that's impossible. He's supposed to be dead. Dead people can't feel anything. He slowly opened his eyes and saw what the warmness was. It was Magnus Bane, stroking his cheek with his hand as if that's all he could bring himself to do.

"Magnus?" he noticed that Izzy, Jace, and even Clary were surrounding him.

"Oh dear god. Alexander, you're okay. I thought you were dead. I came as soon as I could." Magnus was holding him in his arms, letting his hand rest on Alec's cheek.

"You never wanted to see me again. I understand why. Because this is who I really am. Mags.." he was silenced by the warlock's finger pressing against his lips.

"Shh. Let's not talk about that right now. Just hold on, we're bringing you to the infirmary." he stood up and brought Alec securely in his arms.

"Everyone's worried about you, me included. You don't have to go through this alone, remember that. I love you. Izzy and Jace and even Clary love you. They saw you jump. They thought you died. I'm happy you didn't." he whispered as everyone around him hurried to clear an infirmary bed for Alec.

"You love me." his eyes were shut and he leaning his head to one side.

"Yes, I always have. Always will. I'm going to heal you, okay? Then, we all have some talking to do. Alright, angel?" Magnus took a deep breath and glanced at everyone around him before looking to Alec.

"Alright. Thank you. All of you." was the last thing he said before falling asleep under Magnus' command so he could properly heal the love of his life.

The next few hours were the most that Magnus has ever healed at one time. He could feel sleepiness sweeping over him since his magic reserves had been spent tonight. As he glanced back, he noticed that Isabelle fell asleep on a nearby chair while Jace and Clary on a couch across from Alec. He couldn't leave Alec's side. Magnus was all set to sleep in another infirmary bed when a soft voice told him otherwise.

"Magnus, you can sleep here. With me." he could barely open his eyes but he managed to roll onto his side.

"I can't do that. I want to but I can't take advantage of you, not like this." he noticed how the younger boy's breathing began to we even out as he got closer.

"Please just hold me. That's all. Please." he sounded so young, younger than he normally did.

Magnus took up his offer and gently slid beside Alec. He made sure that he was covered and wrapped his arms around the shorter boy. Alec seemed to relax and eased into his body, his hands softly touching Magnus' arms. Although it was against every fiber of his being, he pressed his lips against Alec's forehead, his own eyes closing.

"I love you, Alexander. Rest, okay? You're going to be okay. I promise." Magnus whispered, feeling the boy's weight press against him as he drifted off to sleep.


End file.
